13. Joy

“Gratitude is the prerequisite to Joy” — Brené Brown

Grace…Joy…when the year began, I had a general idea of what these words meant. But as I reflect on the conclusion of this part of my journey, I’ve grown a deeper fondness and understanding of grace and joy. Let’s begin.

In April, I traveled for the first time since the onset of the pandemic. My partner booked us a cruise, my very first one. Needless to say, I was very nervous, as I’d spent the majority of 2 years learning to be distant from people at the risk of us getting ill (or worse). I was also nervous because I had never been out to sea in that manner. Strangely, what I was most fearful of was the possibility that something within me would change.

I understood what the late Honorable Zora Neale Hurston meant — My eyes were watching God.

I remember the boat leaving the dock. I was filled with so many confusing emotions. I was nervous, excited, fearful, anxious, curious, and awestruck. I said to myself, “I’m actually doing this?…I’m doing this!” I usually have a bit of travel anxiety, especially when acclimating to my surroundings. But what helped ease the worries were the amount of activities available. Of course, I instantly went to the art gallery and kept myself entertained. But the true shift happened the following morning.

We woke before the sunrise, opening our eyes to pitch black darkness. He said, “Let’s go to the top deck to see the sunrise”. I nervously agreed. As he went to the bathroom, my mind raced and my stomach sank. I felt fear. “I’m in the middle of the sea…what if something happens? What’s out there? I can’t look…not now…” My imagination ran wild with scenarios, but the voice at the center of my gut said, “It will be okay. Go look.”

My fears came true in the most brilliant of ways — Something within me shifted.

As I peaked through the curtain, I saw gradients of deep, rich, and dark blues. The horizon was painted with a slightly brighter tone. Instantly, tears streamed down my face. There was an indescribable feeling that, up until now, I couldn’t explain to anyone. I felt how massive the world was. A glimpse of how vast the oceans. And how small I was in comparison. I understood what the late Honorable Zora Neale Hurston meant — My eyes were watching God. I saw Love. I saw Time. I saw Faith. Forces that exist above me and that I have the honor to experience and partake in. I wiped my tears, put on my clothes, and we walked to the top of the ship.

By this point, the Sun began to slowly ascend, its rays stretching outward to signal the beginning of a new day. I stood and watched, completely overwhelmed at the beauty of God’s work. And, as I looked over the waters, I realized that, I too, am God’s work. Only a Higher Power could paint such a magnificent image. Only a Grand Designer could fill me with a flood of emotions rivaling the depths of this ocean. My fears came true in the most brilliant of ways — Something within me shifted.

Thank you for holding my hand this entire time.

I reflect on this moment, in particular, because I saw, with my own eyes, Whom and What I relinquish control to. And, in seeing the beauty of the world, I knew that, much like every fiber of this planet’s ecosystem, everything will work itself out. All will be fine. My world grew much larger from my trip to visit the Bahamas. And so did my passion for life and the will to live. Grace caught me in my surrender.

Joy…I’ve unknowingly met with Joy in so many places. It’s kept me company while I lamented or mulled over thoughts and ideas. It walked with me as I conversed with and listened to the trees. It conspired with the Higher Powers and whispered to its messengers that I needed a visit from them. Dragonflies, Ladybugs, the Praying Mantis, the Hawk, and the Falcon. Soft breezes and gentle rain. Words of affirmation and happenstances that could only happen due to Divine Timing and Intervention. Answers to my requests for gentle signs, confirming that my loved ones are also held in Grace’s embrace.

Thank you, Joy. Thank you for holding my hand this entire time. Thank you for meeting me at the places where the winds of fate led me. Thank you for filling my heart with so much hope and love. Thank you for being kind to me and the people that I love so dearly. I want to keep walking with you and dancing with you, hand in hand. Can we keep going?

To the days past and the days that come, I continue onward with the gifts of these words:

Everything begins and ends with Gratitude,

Clarity is found in the Stillness, and

Grace will catch me in the surrender.

With love,

-M